Where do we go from here?

I really have been debating with myself (and Lori) all day whether or not to blog about this. I worried that by exposing something so serious and heartbreaking about my family may make me feel vulnerable to judgement or gossip or the like. I've decided to write about this anyway, because this is real. This is life. Life is complicated and hard sometimes and I feel that maybe if I write this, someone else may be going through something similar and be strengthened or at least know that they're not the only one. So with a deep breath...here goes...

My baby brother Bryan is 23. He has been using drugs in some form since about age 14. It started with the same crap that a lot of kids in junior high and high school "experiment" with. The past four or five years. however, he has been addicted to Heroine. For those of you who as naive about drugs as I once was, Heroine is the most addictive drug there is. The statistics for full recovery off of it is 2%. That means 98% of addicts will either use it their whole life or overdose before they ever get clean. (gotta love the stats they tell you in rehab places)

I didn't even know that there were different ways to use it. Apparently Bryan smoked it for a long time. He had been in and out of different rehabs and detox places several times before and after he started Heroine. About a little over a year ago, we found out that he was shooting it up, meaning injecting it into his veins with a syringe....you can imagine my family and my complete horror to find this out. Everyday my parents and siblings and I would worry if we were going to get that phone call. The dreaded, most frightening phone call we could receive, that Bryan had overdosed. The only chance that he had at that point was to get caught and put in jail. It sounds like such a strange thing that we were all hoping and praying for, but it was the last resort to save his life. He had several possession charges, but unfortunately, the system is a little (a lot) broken. If the jail is crowded, they send you home.....

Last April, Bryan was picked up and finally put in jail, this time he wasn't going home the next day. We took a huge sigh of relief just knowing he was somewhere safe where he couldn't use. I know, it is still weird to think that jail was a relief! Bryan ended up staying there until November. He was sentenced to drug court, which means that he has to stay in a program, attend meetings and have drug tests a few times a week. If he failed on any of these fronts, he would go back to jail.

Bryan looked SO good when he came out of jail! He had put on some weight, looked healthy and strong again, and was finally out of the drug-induced fog. FINALLY I had my brother back!! I hadn't felt like he had really been Bryan, the Bryan I grew up with and loved, in so many years. Jed hadn't ever known Bryan when he wasn't using. Addison finally got to meet him and have him hold her for the first time since she was born. He has been doing so well. Going to meetings, working the programs, feeling like he's doing the right things and really working toward good goals.

Then BAM! I don't know why, but he stopped wanting to try anymore. He decided last night that he didn't want to live as a drug addict for the rest of his life. He didn't want to have to be in a program and put in the constant work that it is just to stay clean and sober.

So he used.

He wanted to be done.

Not just done with rehab. Done with LIFE....

his intention was to overdose and not have to live anymore so that he wouldn't have to have the pain, the hurt, and the problems that come with living as a an addict. Once an addict, always and addict. The only difference is some use and some stay clean. But you are always an addict. I have NO idea what it is like to have an addiction. I don't know the pain an agony of detoxing. I don't know the overwhelming urge to use a drug. I can't possibly ever understand why Bryan would ever want to end his life just so that he could be done once and for all with the drug.

All I know is that I DO NOT want the drug to win!! Bryan amazingly survived his attempt at overdosing and is now back in jail. Sadly, we are again breathing that sigh of relief that he's somewhere he can't use. But now what??? Where does he go from here? And where do we as a family go from here? I don't know the answers. I don't know if he'll ever be able to stay clean and stay my brother- the same brother that used to sleep on the floor in my bedroom growing up because he was afraid of the dark. I keep wishing and hoping and praying that I can save him. I want to keep him on my floor and protect him. I just don't know how. I would give anything to see him happy and living a normal life. I just don't know if that will ever happen for him.

All I can do is pray for him. I hope that he'll feel God's love and guidance and know he's not alone in this trial and rough journey he's been going through. Bryan, even though you can't see or read this where you're at- I LOVE YOU! I'm here for you and always will be. Here's a picture, the only picture actually, of Bryan and Addison. It was taken on her birthday....just 7 weeks ago. I pray that he'll come back again and be my brother, my parents' son and Addison's uncle.

IT IS OFFICIAL....

My BABY is no longer a baby..... what the ?!?! How did this happen?? I turned around yesterday and realized that she is a what? That's right, my friends a TODDLER!!! Ahhhhh!

See this sweet little face...

Well, she is now full blown walking. She eats big girl food, she drinks real milk, she watches videos and dances along, she says new words every single day it seems, yup toddler! Oh another fun thing is that she's learned to throw a tantrum...sigh....I thought I had till age two for that one.

I'm in the middle of packing up our house, and it has been so weird and sad to be packing away all of Addison's "baby" stuff knowing that it will be stored, not used when we move. Oh, AND I threw away ALL of her bottle last night. She's fully embraced the sippy cup.

She's so much fun right now though!! It is so fun to watch her learn new things each day and try and say new words and sounds. It's so cute to hear her moo like a cow or "talk" to daddy on the phone. That coversation usually sounds something like... "daddy!......silence for a bit... da diddid....mom (when he's telling her to be good for me).....daddy" LOL little sweetheart. Jed loves it too I'm sure.

She has decided that walking isn't enough, she must take something with her, usually something far too big or heavy for her to really carry. Somehow she seems to manage. Here she is, carrying her tray to her high chair. She loves to do this, and you just try and stop her....

Well, I suppose I'll just have to be okay with her growing up. I sure can't stop it!! She's such a joy in our lives and we have so much fun with her. I just can't get enough of this little girl :) Oh, I had to post this picture too.....her totally striking a pose in her jammies for the camera. Such a girl! Gotta love that bed head too.

Hey, I don't care how big you get Addie, you'll always be my baby.

Boo

Addie has a new favorite word...and it is "boo" but usually sounds more like "bo". She thinks hiding her face then saying boo is hilarious. She loves when people play this game with her! She's so funny....she'll walk around a corner and say "boo!" I've been trying to video her doing this and never seem to get a great clip...this will have to do for now.

She grabbed that placemat off the table and was doing this for like 10 minutes. It finally occurred to me that I should be recording it...then of course she was done. Haha!

A few updates....

Sorry, I haven't been taking pictures as much these past couple of weeks, so I haven't posted Addie updates. I figure I should anyway. She is growing and learning new things everyday- it's amazing. She still loves her Baby Einstein videos and seems to learn so much from them. I'm tired of watching the same 3 videos, so maybe we need more. Yesterday, I had her watch one that she didn't like before, and she loves it too now. It has some sign language in it and she's even trying to do some of it.

She and I have both been sick this week, so needless to say, we've been watching a lot of videos and not doing a whole lot. I'm really done with winter and cold season....I think this is the 4th cold or flu since October! (Hence the red, sore nose in her picture)

Addie is saying more and more words lately, or a form of words. She's saying Willie, her grandparents' dog's name, "papa" which papa Steve eats up, "whitty" for Whitney (sounds closer to willie though), "horth" a new favorite word, for horse. She used to say "de" for dog, but now just says "woof" at them all. She tries saying "mooo" for cows, but mostly comes out "boooo". She's also saying ball and trying to say a lot of other words that don't sound like much quite yet. I just can't believe how fast she's learning words. It is so fun to hear her try and talk! (my protege) ;)

She also will now point to her nose, eyes, head and feet or toes. She loves the Head Shoulders Knees and Toes song on her Baby Da Vinci movie and if you even hum the tune, she'll grab her head- so sweet! (except when she then discovers a bow and pulls it out) She claps her hands whenever anyone says "pat a cake" and once even when Jed said "baby cakes". Hee hee...

She has randomly starting hiding or hoarding things in shoes...silly girl. Here's her binky in one of her shoes. Jed couldn't find his phone anywhere one day and later found it inside one of his dress shoes!

Also, on a side note, a lot of you have asked me how Danny is doing. Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers! He's getting better with time and gaining more strength. It is a long road to recovery, but things are progressing.

S'more puppies :)

First of all I have to post a picture of Blake and Kacey's new puppy, Marty- seriously, how cute is he??Doc isn't so sure about him yet, but I'm sure they'll become great friends. Addie loves them both- well she loves all dogs. She has started saying "woof" whenever she sees one, or even right now while I'm writing this and she sees the pictures. It's quite cute :)Awww, look at Doc's face...poor little guy is a little jealous I think. Doc is only about a year and a half, so he still thinks he's the baby.

Sunday night, Jed and I decided to make some off the hook s'mores. Since it is winter, obviously there are only so many options for this. We had bought the following ingredients the night before. No normal graham crackers for us....we go straight for the Fudge Shoppe deluxe fudge grahams, thus eliminating the need for chocolate bars....and you must use Jet Puff Marshmellows (we're marshmellow snobs)

Now here is the key to these special s'mores...Dada! This bad boy is a creme brule torch, but worked perfectly for this application. You could use your burners on a gas stove if you don't have this cool device ;)

Jed did the "torching" quite precisely and made the marshmellow perfectly oooey goooey on the inside and lightly crispy on the outside, just like a campfire would do :)

Here's the process....

And the result... mmmm it was SO GOOD!

Jed ate his in ONE BITE hahaha.... doesn't he look happy about it though?

So there you have it...our partying life style when Addie goes to bed :)