I really have been debating with myself (and Lori) all day whether or not to blog about this. I worried that by exposing something so serious and heartbreaking about my family may make me feel vulnerable to judgement or gossip or the like. I've decided to write about this anyway, because this is real. This is life. Life is complicated and hard sometimes and I feel that maybe if I write this, someone else may be going through something similar and be strengthened or at least know that they're not the only one. So with a deep breath...here goes...
My baby brother Bryan is 23. He has been using drugs in some form since about age 14. It started with the same crap that a lot of kids in junior high and high school "experiment" with. The past four or five years. however, he has been addicted to Heroine. For those of you who as naive about drugs as I once was, Heroine is the most addictive drug there is. The statistics for full recovery off of it is 2%. That means 98% of addicts will either use it their whole life or overdose before they ever get clean. (gotta love the stats they tell you in rehab places)
I didn't even know that there were different ways to use it. Apparently Bryan smoked it for a long time. He had been in and out of different rehabs and detox places several times before and after he started Heroine. About a little over a year ago, we found out that he was shooting it up, meaning injecting it into his veins with a syringe....you can imagine my family and my complete horror to find this out. Everyday my parents and siblings and I would worry if we were going to get that phone call. The dreaded, most frightening phone call we could receive, that Bryan had overdosed. The only chance that he had at that point was to get caught and put in jail. It sounds like such a strange thing that we were all hoping and praying for, but it was the last resort to save his life. He had several possession charges, but unfortunately, the system is a little (a lot) broken. If the jail is crowded, they send you home.....
Last April, Bryan was picked up and finally put in jail, this time he wasn't going home the next day. We took a huge sigh of relief just knowing he was somewhere safe where he couldn't use. I know, it is still weird to think that jail was a relief! Bryan ended up staying there until November. He was sentenced to drug court, which means that he has to stay in a program, attend meetings and have drug tests a few times a week. If he failed on any of these fronts, he would go back to jail.
Bryan looked SO good when he came out of jail! He had put on some weight, looked healthy and strong again, and was finally out of the drug-induced fog. FINALLY I had my brother back!! I hadn't felt like he had really been Bryan, the Bryan I grew up with and loved, in so many years. Jed hadn't ever known Bryan when he wasn't using. Addison finally got to meet him and have him hold her for the first time since she was born. He has been doing so well. Going to meetings, working the programs, feeling like he's doing the right things and really working toward good goals.
Then BAM! I don't know why, but he stopped wanting to try anymore. He decided last night that he didn't want to live as a drug addict for the rest of his life. He didn't want to have to be in a program and put in the constant work that it is just to stay clean and sober.
So he used.
He wanted to be done.
Not just done with rehab. Done with LIFE....
his intention was to overdose and not have to live anymore so that he wouldn't have to have the pain, the hurt, and the problems that come with living as a an addict. Once an addict, always and addict. The only difference is some use and some stay clean. But you are always an addict. I have NO idea what it is like to have an addiction. I don't know the pain an agony of detoxing. I don't know the overwhelming urge to use a drug. I can't possibly ever understand why Bryan would ever want to end his life just so that he could be done once and for all with the drug.
All I know is that I DO NOT want the drug to win!! Bryan amazingly survived his attempt at overdosing and is now back in jail. Sadly, we are again breathing that sigh of relief that he's somewhere he can't use. But now what??? Where does he go from here? And where do we as a family go from here? I don't know the answers. I don't know if he'll ever be able to stay clean and stay my brother- the same brother that used to sleep on the floor in my bedroom growing up because he was afraid of the dark. I keep wishing and hoping and praying that I can save him. I want to keep him on my floor and protect him. I just don't know how. I would give anything to see him happy and living a normal life. I just don't know if that will ever happen for him.
All I can do is pray for him. I hope that he'll feel God's love and guidance and know he's not alone in this trial and rough journey he's been going through. Bryan, even though you can't see or read this where you're at- I LOVE YOU! I'm here for you and always will be. Here's a picture, the only picture actually, of Bryan and Addison. It was taken on her birthday....just 7 weeks ago. I pray that he'll come back again and be my brother, my parents' son and Addison's uncle.
13 comments:
i'm so sorry. addiction is one of the nastiest things out there, not just for the addict but for those that love them. you know how much i love you and how sorry i am. ah friend. i'm proud of you, you might inspire some courage within my little soul to talk about my life soon.
proud of you, we'll be adding bryan and your family to our prayers.
I am so sorry! Thank you for sharing your story. You sound like a great sister to have and I'm sure your brother appreciates you.
I worked with a woman whose son went through the same thing. It is truly heartbreaking. I will keep you in my prayers.
I am so sorry! I hope he gets better. We will pray for you! Please let us know what we can do to help.
Wow. This totally made me bawl my eyes out. Still bawling in fact. I'm so sorry to hear that Bryan relapsed but I am SO glad that he survived his overdose attempt. And even though it is weird that jail is a sigh of relief, it seems like in his situation, it's really the only safe place for him right now. The saddest part about addiction is that it really does take away a persons soul, nothing they do while on drugs is something they would do sober. It breaks my heart that cute little Bryan has had this struggle for so long. I will keep in my prayers! Keep me updated. Love you!!
As I sit here crying from what you wrote. I don't even know what to say. I am in the same situation as you, I have no idea what it feels like to have an addiction. I can't even imagine the thoughts that go through someones head to rationlize a drug with death. I will pray for Bryan (I can't believe he is 23!) and hopefully, in the end, it can all work out. I am so sorry for all the pain you must have gone through this last year. My friend, and former roommate, had a little brother with the same problem. He too overdosed while we were living together, but did not make it. If you ever need to talk with someone who understands a little, I am sure she would love to listen. Let me know.
This is so hard. I have a good friend who went through the exact same thing. Her family got her into an amazing rehab center in California, and she still managed to get herself out. For her, it took a life-changing event- pregnancy- to quit. I don't know how families like you can go through it, I am sure it is so tough. Lots of prayers are always needed in these times. Good luck.
By the way, I am an old friend of Jed's.
That made me cry. It's hard to know what to write, because I have never been in that situation either. I have had family members who have chosen a different path, and all I can say is to just keep doing what you are doing. It sounds like you are doing as much as you can and that is just awesome. I will keep you guys in my prayers...it sounds like you've had a tough year so far. Hopefully things start getting better.
I am glad you decided to post about this because you are right it is life and if people judge that is their issue. I am so sorry for all the pain you must have felt from this. I have a cousin you has the same struggles and we watch her go up and down and the hardest part for me is just not knowing how to help. Like you said you wish you could protect them and make them happy. I do know that we will keep you in our prayers as well so that you and your brother can feel like you aren't alone. I hope that helps!
I am so sad Jenny. We're praying for him and you guys.
Please let us know what we can do for you!
Thanks SO much everyone for the love and support and prayers! Having wonderful friends and family make life easier to get through and I appreciate it so much :)
I'm so sorry. Our prayers are with you and your family!
That is heartbreaking. Bryan and your family are in our thoughts and prayers. We love you! Please let us know if there is anything we can do for you.
Jen, I haven't cried in a long time but this definitely pushed me over the edge. I remember the cute little Bryan you were talking about, and I'm so sad that he is dealing with this! It makes me not want my babies to grow up. Life just seems too harsh sometimes. We will keep praying for him, and for all of you. Thanks for sharing. Love you!
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